Everything you need to See, Hear & Know in 3, 2, 1… @ Tehran1.com

What is the difference between indifference and tough love? Can the two be combined? Intertwined? Conflagrated and confused? I think so. Recently, I have been put in many situations that require “tough love.” Now, by that, I mean the kind of situation where you want to take the person you’re talking to, tie her to a chair and force her to listen to what you are saying. To listen, not to hear. It’s amazing but two of my best friends keep facing the same issue. You know, they are just not learning the lessons they are supposed to be learning. And I think I am getting to the point where I am realizing that I cannot teach them those lessons, either. I mean just 2 years ago I finally saw the light and realized what it was that the universe was trying to tell me. This lesson is “It is all about you.” Sounds silly, I know. But at the end of the day, it’s true. You will never be satisfied with anyone else until you are satisfied with yourself. You know, I heard this advice in different ways. But no one ever sat me down and tried to explain it to me. Sometimes, I think it would have been futile but I would like to think that if someone had approached me the right way, someone I respected, maybe I would have listened. My friend says she tried to talk to me but I would not listen, but I don’t remember it. Especially since we are so good at repressing painful memories.

But I don’t get it. I don’t get where to draw the line between being supportive and enabling. It’s funny but I think many behaviors in life are basically just a result of addiction and dependency. We become addicted to the pain in our lives and the release of that pain. Basically, we get such a rush from feeling better that we make ourselves hurt, just to make ourselves feel better. But what it is, that I think I have learned if that you can make yourself feel “better” without feeling worse. You know what the “worse” does to you? It basically increases your threshold for pain. You know, like a drug. It helps you build a tolerance to the pain you feel everyday. You stick around “through” the pain to get to the “release.” I think that is what life for people has become a journey through pain for joy. But I think it can be different, I think you can have a journey through joy that sometimes has pain but you use the pain as a building block to your joy. You find deeper levels of joy after working through the pain NOT as a result of it.

I find that one of the most disturbing conflicts in my life so far has been that generally, the person who causes you the most pain is the only person who can fix that pain and make it go away. I know it seems that way – but it really isn’t. You know what it is? It’s YOU. You are the only person that can make anything better, especially when it comes to yourself and your life. We ask ourselves “why did this happen to me” and we never answer. We seem to get some relief from asking the question but we avoid the discomfort at answering the question. We look for instant gratification where we should be seeking long-term success.

You know, when I have a recurring argument, my first instinct is NOT to blame myself but to blame the other person. It’s natural, we are egotistic beings and presume our own superiority before we analyze the situation logically. But I pose this, if you’re unhappy with the way something goes, why would you keep doing the same thing and expect a different result? Why do we expect our partners to change but not ourselves?

We want them to understand us better, but we don’t want to learn to communicate more effectively. We don’t want to have to step outside of our comfort zone to get a point across but we want them to. And then we think things are unfair. But on some level, fairness should not enter the equation. Life is not fair, and neither are relationships. It goes along with the concept of whether the ends justify the means. I think that we, as women, forget all too often that if the ends justify the means, then we should be willing to do anything in the interest of achieving those ends.