Everything you need to See, Hear & Know in 3, 2, 1… @ Tehran1.com

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Thank you for all of your words of wisdom. I know that you’re right about everything that you said. You’re ALWAYS right. You have no idea how much I was dying to talk to you about all of this because I know you would know exactly what to say, but I was embarrassed of all the issues we are having and he made it very clear that he didn’t want anyone to know because it embarrassed him. His friends and family have no idea what’s going on.

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look I love you

I always will. I get upset because I love you.

at the end of the say - I just want you to be happy… that’s all. you should not be embarrassed … EVER! there is nothing wrong with you. or your relationship… everyone has issues. if you existed within a group - trust me he would be able to gain perspective… if he were friends with our lame as they are boyfriends… he would see that you can love someone independent of her past.

I dunno babe… I just want you to be happy and I know that while you think he makes you happy - he really doesn’t. which is not to say that he CANT but he just isn’t right now.

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I know and I love you for it. There are times when he does make me happy and I see the potential he has to always make me happy. I know that if he were to get close to you guys then things would be so much better, but he has this resistance that I don’t know where it comes from. He likes you guys and admitted that he has fun when we all hang out, but he is still resistant and I don’t know what to do about it. He was so cute, he called this morning and goes “where is her birthday thing on Saturday Then he goes “We should really try to make it to her bday. And you’re going to dinner with them tonight right? And you should go watch tv with them next week.” So he is trying. However, if he knew that I told you guys about what’s going on, he would freak.

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well I think that again you are someone who has BFFs … your BFFS are what make you strong.

I think that anyone can make you happy. it is what you see in a person… I dunno - I just have a whole different perspective on life and relationships now..

I am glad he is trying. as long as you SET boundaries you guys will be fine. if you want this relationship to last, then you need to SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

there is no rush - if you guys are going to get there - you will - rushing will only make you lose moments now that you can appreciate. try NOT talking about getting married and trying to talk about OTHER things…. because ok if you DO get married, then what? THEN you want to get to know each other?

also - his encouraging you to spend time with your friends cant be like go hang out with them but stay on the phone and text me the whole time. you guys are not “dating” anymore, you’re in a committed relationship. It doesn’t need to be smothered and he should appreciate that you have your own life….

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Oh there are so many other things to talk about now that the last thing he wants is to marry me anymore.

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I think you’re being dramatic

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I don’t. He totally doesn’t look at me in the same light anymore.

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well I think that is good.

you are NOT a perfect angel.

you are not untouched and holy

you are just a human

and that is ok

you need to learn to start liking yourself a little more. I don’t see how you think you can even begin to like or love someone else when you cant even accept who you are… You need to find some confidence and ask yourself why you are not content with who you are.

you lied to he because you don’t like the things you have done. if you don’t like them, then he wont either. no matter what. so either suck it up and accept that this is your life, this is who you are and if you don’t like it - then do something about it.

I think there comes a time in your life where you have to see that there is a time to cut your losses. And it’s a fresh wound and you know he is a BIG baby. he is trying to punish you for what you have done. so you have to think - either you ride the punishment out and suck it up or you tell him look

you punishing me is selfish. just like when I lied and then confessed. I confessed to make myself feel better to relieve my conscience. the guilt of lying was bothering me and I didn’t want you to find out any other way. so now you are punishing me to make yourself fell better. but really it is not going to change what happened, all it is going to do is make me withdraw because no one wants to get hurt. and it’s going to make you more angry. so either you are going to grow up and see that if you love me and want to marry me - we are going to have to go through a lot of issues and trials and tribulations together. if we can’t deal with this - then our future is doomed.

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I don’t know if he wants a future with me anymore. Part of me thinks that he is just sticking around until he works up the strength to leave.

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then good, you don’t want him in your life if he is all talk anyway

what the f*ck happened to you

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But is it all talk? If you greatly disappoint someone, don’t they have the right to fear more damage and trying to take their heart back?

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From what you know about him so far and have seen yourself, do you think that he will cop? Do you think that we can ever get past this?

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well he is all talk to tell you that he loves you and wants to marry you if he cannot stand a conflict with you.

he is CERTAINLY all talk when he leads you to believe that you can rely on him as a husband and a future life together when he cannot accept you today. he told you he can do what he wants cause he is a man. ok. I know you like that manly Persian macho thing. I can accept it is the caveman instinct that we all crave. BUT gheirat (machismo) is something that cuts both ways. if he is a man in love with you

he is in love with

a woman who

who dated/slept with someone

who slept with someone else

who was in a long term committed relationship with someone else

who has kissed/pecked/sat in the laps of/partied with/clubbed with “X” number of people besides him

you have to accept these things about yourself

he has to accept them too - because LOVE is looking PAST that which you don’t like THROUGH to the core of that person.

maybe he thinks he loves you

because you were such a challenge and seemed like such a great prize and when he finally got you it felt like an accomplishment, like passing the bar… and now he doesn’t want to lose it. he feels invested and doesn’t want to lose his investment.

Why would you want to be with someone who feels the need to punish you? Punishment is something a Superior Being (like a parent or master) uses to CONTROL an inferior being (like a child or pet). People in egalitarian relationships - communicate. work THROUGH their issues…. resolve them and move on.

you and he cannot keep re-hashing this

it is what it is

and it is OVER.

now you can choose to move on, being a smarter person knowing what you know about yourself and the other person. or you can suffer.

when he threatens or actually does take his attention and affection from you, it is a CONTROL tactic. It is a tactic aimed at forcing you to do something HE wants you to do. Are u a puppet?

don’t they have the right to fear more damage and trying to take their heart back?

yes - that person has the RIGHT to feel and fear everything… but does he HAVE the right to instill that same fear in you? he uses the fact that he knows that you love him to make you FEAR his leaving you…

so how is he coping with his fear? by passing it on to you. he doesn’t deal with it or fix it…he just PASSES it on

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one more thing… you need to ask yourself honestly - why you lied to him.

is that who you are ? are u a liar?

bebeen - I don’t tell mine everything. everything does not need to be said. a woman needs her secrets. just like a man does. there are certain things I DON’T want to know. I am better off not being tainted and I can accept and own that my emotions may lead me to act and react irrationally if I have too much information.

furthermore…..

ask yourself - what is your definition of love? you love he because you felt the need to lie to him ? to mislead him? to keep secrets and then confess? Had he done the exact same to you - you would agree that he doesn’t love you. and you don’t love him… you may WANT to love him… but you don’t even love yourself.

when you START to love yourself - then and only then - will you have the strength and ability to love he. He doesn’t love himself either. if he did, he would realize that someone who lies and keeps secrets and doesn’t love herself can’t possibly begin to comprehend what it takes to love someone else, nevertheless marry him and make such a real commitment to that person…

I know I keep using me and h as an example but its the only one I can think of

you know I love him

but really at the end of the day - I don’t know if I could really be his wife. I adore him and am committed to him - but being his wife means that I trust his behavior and his personality and his maturity and his ability to UNDERSTAND me sooo much that I entrust him with everything I have.

that is crazy…I mean - I realize now after 10 months - I barely know the dude. I don’t know what he’s like when he is stressed, I am just learning that about him. I don’t know what he is like when he has 45 financial obligations and 25 emotional and family ones. I don’t know if he knows how to juggle all that. I haven’t seen how he reacts to conflict with his family - while I am in his life. I don’t know what position he would have if there was a conflict that involved me - these are things you need to know BEFORE you can determine whether or not you can marry someone…

TALKING in circles wont solve anything

you need to ask yourself WHY this happened

and WHAT YOU CAN do to prevent it

you never gave he the opportunity to be there for you. you never gave him the opportunity to grow with you. you assumed that he wasn’t going to accept these things about you so you shut him out. you judged him. and now you are paying the price. if you know he was going to judge you negatively, then you should have given him the chance (as you will DO from now on) and then when does that wrong thing - you point it out lovingly that look azizam - this is why I felt I couldn’t show you the real me - because you were going to react like this.

and then you see what he has to say

he either accepts his flaw and works on it

or he doesn’t

and if he does not - then YOU have to think about whether or not that is acceptable to you

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From what you know about him so far and have seen yourself, do you think that he will cop? Do you think that we can ever get past this?

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He won’t admit that though. He says that I’m just saying that to put the blame on him and make myself feel better.

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I think that he has to accept responsibility for what happened.

it takes 2.

if he can do that and admit that your relationship needs work…

then of course you can get past this.

relationships are not black and white.

if you want something badly enough - the both of you - of course you can make it work.

but you have to be honest. you have to COMMUNICATE and you have to trust and respect each other completely.

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then maybe it is time for you to take some time and be by yourself and spend some time with people who love you unconditionally. you are going to have to practice tough love with him at this point.

if he can’t admit and accept any responsibility for any of this - then baby girl - I hate to break it to you but he is not ready to love you. he cant love himself and he can’t love you.

it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and it also takes two people to break a relationship

you never let your relationship grow into a real one

you rushed into it

now you have to pay the price

you either find a way to get through to him

or you wash your hands of the situation

I told you this morning

you leave him with 2 options

either he trusts you and you work through this

or

he loses you

that’s it.

there is no reason to punish yourself and suffer.

you need to start loving yourself and being proud of yourself

before he can

you have to set the example for him

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You’re right. God I so wish that I could get through to him.

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give him space and time

tell him

look I love u and I want this to work

take your space and see if u miss me

if u do then u know that whatever it takes to makes this work is a small price to pay for us to be able to be together and be happy

you need to let him know what it feels like to lose you

losing you is worse than being hurt by you

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I already said that he said that he won’t be able to think clearly because all he will be thinking about is how much he misses me. And then if too much time goes by then he will start to feel better and will be afraid of coming back to me because he will be afraid of getting hurt like that again.

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once again he is manipulating you.

does he have a solution?

what is it?

that you are supposed to DIE because you made a mistake?

what is supposed to happen? he is going to punish you until he feels better?

or what that you have to have NO privacy and turn over your phone and your life and he can basically put you on a schedule and leash until HE feels better.

Are you so full of hate for yourself that you don’t think you have the right to have the ability to exercise your own free will? because you hid something out of fear and then out of an act of conscience, came clean - are you too stupid now to be able to differentiate right from wrong? does he need to think for you? maybe he can tell you when and where you will be allowed to go as well?

he needs to ask himself what is driving him to feel the need to control you so badly?

when he had no control over you all he could think about was controlling you, staying on the phone for hours, hanging out everyday, texting, emailing etc. and now…. you can’t spend any time apart cause he may move on? or get hurt again? well baby girl there is no guarantee in this life. you can be MARRIED and hurt him again…

this isn’t nordstrom…it’s life… the return policies are not the same

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His solution is to have me show him how sorry I am. I don’t know what that means that I’m supposed to do, but he says that if he had wronged me like that he would beg my forgiveness everyday, send me flowers everyday and do things of grand gesture to show that he is sorry.

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well my dear - in time…as your relationship grows he will see that.

you cant put a band aid on a gunshot wound

and again he is only concerned about you making him feel better

he wants you to crush yourself so he can feel elevated

do you hate yourself that much?

he is not focusing on your relationship he is telling you make ME feel better and then I will decide if this relationship survives.

what do you think of that?